Ask Dr. Rhodes

Uncategorized Questions

My fiancé and I are both a good mix of Alpha and Beta (we tested lime green on the quiz). As we prepare for marriage, I’m concerned that because I work for myself and he works for a traditional company, I’ll end up the de facto stay-at-home Mom when we have children. He is the breadwinner, and I don’t have a boss to report to like he does, but I take my work very seriously–and I hate the idea of one day waking up to realize I’ve unintentionally given up my career. How and when do you suggest we have a conversation? And how can my I make my argument valid?

Barbara

Your concerns are valid. I advise you to begin a conversation as soon as possible sharing your concerns with your fiancé . Think carefully before you speak to him….ask him to imagine the situation through your eyes. You want your career to be as important as his!

If he doesn’t take the conversation seriously, point that out. Let him know that you want him to understand how it could unfold if you don’t talk it through before.

After several …perhaps many ….conversations he should understand and support your concerns.

Two people who are actively engaged in their careers and family have the best marriages. Ask him what is important to him…and compare your projections. Does he want you to be happy? Can he see that your proposals are fair and add up to a compatible marriage? Keep the pre-marriages discussions going so that you both share a vision of life.

Don’t back down if he says “it is too early to talk about these things” or that you are too pessimistic!

Good luck..I am sure you will do well in these discussions.

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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I scored Pink on your test (10% alpha, 66% beta) – what dating advice would you give to someone with this score? Although the test says we’re compatible with high alphas, are hybrids or alpha-leaning betas also a good match?

Betababe

Dear Betababe

You have a large spread between your alpha and beta scores…which means that you aim to bring up your alpha score so your high compatibility with an Alpha will work even better for you. Right now, you may be overpowered by a strong Alpha male so that you need to be a bit more confident about what you want.

Hybrids are even a better match for you…a strong beta/mid alpha would be a good match because the Beta qualities you would have in common would create a sensitive and supportive relationship.

Thanks for letting me comment. The alpha/beta quiz can be taken again as you develop your Alpha side.

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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Hi Doc. I am a 33 year old physician, successful in my work , family and friendships. BUT I have not had a date in 10 years. I recently lost weight, I look good and love my body, still I can’t seem to get a date. I must admit that I do have hang ups about a history of infidelity that has occurred in my parents marriage and almost all the marriages in my family. But I do want to get married and have children. I do want to love someone and be loved in return without the fear of being cheated on. I know that there are no guarantees in life and I have to put myself out there.

Anonymous

It is hard to overcome shadows from your past which have stacked the deck against trust in an intimate relationship. I think it would be helpful for you to separate the past from the future …and some short term focused therapy might be very helpful.

You are young..successful…honest…but you have waited too long to get over the fear of infidelity. You need to start dating…slowly and get used what goes into a trusting and sincere relationship. It may take several months..even years…but not all people are cheats. You need to approach relationships without writing a script. Start now! And get a supportive therapist to help you!

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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I always enjoy bantering and sparring with people. When things get slow, I stir the pot by making some challenging remark. My boyfriend gets nervous and tells me he doesn’t like it when I ‘go over the top.’ Is he right?

Anonymous

Make sure to stay tuned in to your behavior. It’s okay to be a little provocative as long as it’s not mean-spirited or deliberately trying make someone uncomfortable. As long as you aren’t being rude or inappropriate, you’re fine. At least no one will get bored when you’re around!

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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t parties I love to tell stories and be the center of attention. But I’ve noticed that most men I go out with want the same thing, so I mostly shut up and let them do the talking. Do I have to do that?

Anonymous

You need a guy who appreciates your charm and can let you be center stage — at least some of the time. Your ideal partner should not be looking for a wallflower, and he should be able to share the spotlight.

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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A man I’ve started dating recently is warm and talkative — when he’s alone with me. But when we meet friends for dinner, he shuts down to the point of rudeness, and I end up feeling as if I have to apologize for his behavior. It is embarrassing. What should I do?

Anonymous

Don’t be embarrassed and don’t apologize for his behavior. He may feel overwhelmed — it may bring out some shyness. Or he may be jealous of other people’s claims on you. Talk this out. He may just need more time to get used to your friends.

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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I don’t mind multitasking. When I do things, they get done, whereas it takes my husband forever and I get impatient. Sometimes I get exhausted. What should I do?

Anonymous

Let him do things in his own way and in his own time. Don’t criticize or try to “manage” him. It’s OK to let things slide a little — it will be good practice for you and be even better for your relationship.

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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How do you recommend a woman in her mid-50’s who feels and looks much younger and is an Alpha Woman but is in rebuilding mode meet a great man for a long-term committed relationship? I’ve been doing match.com and have met some nice men, but alas, am still looking for Mr. Right (I’m divorced a long time).

Joan

The best way to meet a man at your stage in life is through friends and the activities you enjoy. The gym, tennis court, bridge club, wine tasting clubs, an art or photography class, your church or synagogue activities etc… are just a few of the activities that I can think of off the top of my hat that are good ways to meet men. Actively follow your interests! Look for companionship. Consider younger men if they show interest. Widowers are a good bet.

On-line dating is probably not for you because of the laborious process of screening men for their real agenda. From what you said, it sounds like you want a relationship, not just a casual sexual encounter.
When you start dating someone, casually let them know that you are looking for a long term relationship. If he runs for the hills, you will not waste your time. If he sticks around, he wants what you want. Good luck!

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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My boyfriend is a great guy. But the chemistry has already died and we’ve only been seeing each other for a year. I’m 38. What should I do?

Anonymous

Share your fantasies. Buy some sex toys. Role play. Talk with your boyfriend about how to get lust back into your relationship. If you think he’s a great guy, he’s worth investing in.

 

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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I’m pursuing a career that I love. My mom is getting nervous that I won’t get married. But I’m not seriously in love with the man I’m dating. Not only that, but at the age of 27, I don’t want to get serious about anyone right now.

Anonymous

You have plenty of time. Your career is important for the long haul. If you want to marry, you should start working towards that goal in a year or two. For now, focus on your career.

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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