Ask Dr. Rhodes

My fiancé and I are both a good mix of Alpha and Beta (we tested lime green on the quiz). As we prepare for marriage, I’m concerned that because I work for myself and he works for a traditional company, I’ll end up the de facto stay-at-home Mom when we have children. He is the breadwinner, and I don’t have a boss to report to like he does, but I take my work very seriously–and I hate the idea of one day waking up to realize I’ve unintentionally given up my career. How and when do you suggest we have a conversation? And how can my I make my argument valid?

Barbara

Your concerns are valid. I advise you to begin a conversation as soon as possible sharing your concerns with your fiancé . Think carefully before you speak to him….ask him to imagine the situation through your eyes. You want your career to be as important as his!

If he doesn’t take the conversation seriously, point that out. Let him know that you want him to understand how it could unfold if you don’t talk it through before.

After several …perhaps many ….conversations he should understand and support your concerns.

Two people who are actively engaged in their careers and family have the best marriages. Ask him what is important to him…and compare your projections. Does he want you to be happy? Can he see that your proposals are fair and add up to a compatible marriage? Keep the pre-marriages discussions going so that you both share a vision of life.

Don’t back down if he says “it is too early to talk about these things” or that you are too pessimistic!

Good luck..I am sure you will do well in these discussions.

—Sonya Rhodes, Ph.D.

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